Yes, I’m still grieving…

I had someone ask me the other day – do you think of your girls often?  "Only Everyday," I responded.

Yes, it's true.  25 months later, I STILL think of our girls.  EVERY day.  Especially as Nicholas continues to grow, and do the things that my girls SHOULD have been doing.  Walking.  Talking.

And now, we're expecting again.  Yes, the anxiety is still there.  Yes, we have brought a child home with us.  That doesn't change the fact that I have experienced stillbirth first hand, and a pre-term delivery.

Yes, I have a cerclage.  Cerclages fail.  You often don't hear about that but they can.  It's not common, from what I understand, but a cerclage isn't a fail-safe.

I worry every day if I've overdone it by playing with Nicholas, lifting him up and down, getting up and down with him, climbing the stairs several times a day, etc.

I think this time of year is always the hardest for me.

Halloween is my favorite holiday, and fall is my favorite time of year.  I imagine what it would have been like to have two babies to take to the pumpkin patch, and to get costumes for.  And of course, when I start to think about 'what might have been', I immediately think of my precious son, and that he wouldn't have been here had we not lost the girls.

So, tread lightly, my friends, when you talk to me and show your excitement to me about all of Nicholas' accomplishments.  For they are a constant reminder of what we do not have.

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