I had a moment. I felt them. It was real.

Tonight, at the end of my training session, we did some meditation work.  We were concentrating on our breathing and I was finding it difficult to shake other thoughts from my head.  Things like…

I can’t believe Nicholas is four.  I wish I would have done <insert x, y or z here> with him.

I can’t believe Christopher is going to be 3.  I wish I would have (see above)

I can’t believe Andrew is already 5 months.

I can’t believe it’s been 5 years since I lost my girls.

That’s when it happened.  It felt like someone wrapped their and around my wrist.  And it was real.  And it was Angelina.  I know it.  I can’t explain it.  In an instant, I realized it was a sign.

Nicholas is going to be 5 this fall and with that milestone comes the thought of kindergarten enrollment, and something called “Kindergarten Roundup”.  We have his on Wednesday night.

In my meditative state,  I realized, “the girls would have been 5.  We would have already done this with them.”    People are probably reading this and thinking, “Jeesh, when does she NOT talk/think about her girls?”

The answer is NEVER.

Every day, I think of them.  Every morning when I wake up and I see the sunrise, I think how majestic it must be in heaven if it’s this beautiful down here.  Every day that I get to spend with my beautiful boys, I thank them.  For if it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t have Nicholas, Christopher, or Andrew.  If it wasn’t for my girls, I wouldn’t have Two Angels Photography.

I realized tonight that I haven’t allowed myself time to think about them.  To remember them.  To honor them.

I will.

3 comments to I had a moment. I felt them. It was real.

  • Shellie

    I swear I hear a laughter sometimes and think it’s Hayley, then realize Hayley is sitting in the room with me… I know it’s Sydney. Only someone that has not suffered a great loss would think it sounds crazy – for us it is normal to think of our babies every day. But, as you bring up, it’s a very hard to grasp feeling when you miss them, feel such a void, yet in the same breath know that had they lived, what we have now would not be. I love Austin so much. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this little boy. Yet, had Sydney lived, he would not be here. Two children was our limit. Had she lived, he never would have been born. I miss her every minute of every day. Her absence pains me as much now as the day she died. I can’t imagine not having my son. I’m so glad we have our network of “us”. Truly, having the support is what helped me get through it. I would not have made it without my “girls”. Love from your internet friend. :)

  • Stephanie

    You know girl, I have NEVER thought you talk about your girls too much! I know how big of a impact they have on your life and I LOVE it when you include them. You are right, your girls probably would have already started kindergarten even though Evan will not start until this fall. Even though our kids were due at the same time, do you remember us talking about how because it was twins you would probably deliver before me (little did we know then). If they were with us here on Earth today, they would probably have been a year ahead Evan. I didn’t think about that until you talked about it above. That is just one reason WHY I love it when you talk about them. Please, don’t stop, no matter what. *LOVE & HUGS TO YOU*

  • Monica

    Please don’t EVER think or say you talk about the girls too much! They were real, they were here…and now they’re in heaven. I miss them still too! (Just as much as their cousin.) I’m so glad you felt Angelina with you. :) What a special moment that must have been! Your post made me cry for them like I haven’t in a long time. May God bless you Sis for what you’ve been through, for your strength and for those beautiful boys. I ADORE them too with all my heart and realize how much life would be different now had things turned out otherwise then. But, I can’t even imagine life without a Nicholas, a Christopher or an Andrew either. <3 (Just like I can't imagine no Danny) <3 So HONOR them ALL Sis! And Honor yourself too! You all deserve it! I admire you and I love you all very much. <3 ~ Your Sis

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