Day 3 of 40 days of reflection.

Somehow, my life has taken a different turn.  It’s rather like an amusement park ride full of twists and turns, than the peaceful, winding road that I had envisioned I’d be on.

Of course, that roller coaster ride began back in 2006.  The beginning of our pregnancy with the girls wasn’t an easy one.  Our emotions went from being ecstatic about being pregnant, to being completely frightened that I might lose my life and our baby, to learning that there it wasn’t ectopic; no rather, it was TWO babies…to the unthinkable…losing them at 21 weeks.

No book I had read or movie I had seen up until that point could prepare for me the waves of emotions that come over a person.  6 years, 6 months later…I still remember details of that fateful day like it was yesterday.  It never fails to amaze me that people will say to me “You still remember that?”  Or they’ll say “Do you still think about the girls?”  I guess…until someone is faced with a loss like ours, you really can’t explain to the person what it feels like to have your dreams ripped out from inside you.

Of course, now we have our three beautiful boys.  And it never ceases to amaze me how people will ask us “aren’t you disappointed you don’t have a girl?” or  “Don’t you want to try for a girl?”  I think sometimes, when this happens, I must look like an animated character.  Jaw dropped to the floor, tongue rolling out… of course we would have loved to have a living daughter.  We think about that every single day.  Would we trade one of our boys for a girl?  Never.  Not in a million years.

My boys saved me.  Nicholas doesn’t realize it, but he was my ticket out of the hell I was living in.   It was so much to put on an innocent soul, but as the book “Someone came before me” says, he healed our hearts.  Nick and I weren’t complete.  Until we had our rainbow baby.

Things have happened so fast for us.  Nicholas was just 9 months old when we found out we were expecting Christopher.  You can say he wasn’t necessarily planned, but we are SO blessed to have him.  He’s such an amazing child.  He’s so smart.  So sensitive.  He’s empathetic, and he’s not even 4.  It’s hard to remember, sometimes, that he’s so young, yet, since he’s like an old soul

And of course you can’t forget our beautiful finale…our Andrew.  Words can’t explain the joy he brings to our lives.  Everyone always comments on how happy he is…and I really believe it’s because he knows how much we all love him.

This Lent, I’ve decided to try something different.  I’ve decided to try to look at my family like I look at other things.  Come up with plans…goals… and we’re slowly going to work on things that have been ‘bothering’ me…like will implementing more of a ‘schedule’ help Nicholas with his Aspie’s?  Will having a schedule be the key to me finally getting more sleep?

There are many things happening with our family, my business, and one thing we are working towards is looking at how our actions will affect other family members, and others around us.  To be more cognizant of all people.  And the best way to do that is to be cognizant of ourselves.

Leave a Reply

You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>